Getting “My Ducks In A Row”

A week ago, I experienced my third breakdown here in the Philippines, which is the worst I’ve ever had. I was ready to go back to England because I felt lost, lonely and confused. Throughout the whole day at work I was crying. It happened all of a sudden and I didn’t know what to do.

All these thoughts suddenly popped into my mind and I realized I had to “get my ducks in a row.” This line is from the movie The Other Woman, starring Cameron Diaz. In this rom-com, they refer to it as a way to figure out what you want in life.

I’ve been living in the Philippines for six years now, and it has been one hell of an experience. Leaving the island would be so hard for me to do, after everything I’ve been through. I’ve made sacrifices, got my heart broken, been hospitalized, and so much more.

I no longer knew what I was doing and where I was going. All my motivation was gone, and I felt like everything was pointless.

On top of these thoughts, I was like a lost soul. I felt lonely and needed someone’s company. Because I thought that having someone beside me would make everything better. I was wrong about this.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I was told I was going through a quarter-life crisis.

I drank a lot, slept for hours, binge watched, and constantly looked for someone to hang out with. But, I knew this was unhealthy and it didn’t solve anything.

So, to deal with my situation, I was advised to go on a trip on my own. I chose to take a bus to Baguio.

Many people thought it was a waste, but it was the best advice I’ve ever had. I read, slept, and walked around. I spent more time on the bus than in Baguio.

However, being alone in an unfamiliar place helped clear my mind. For a day it was only me, myself and I.

The time I spent alone was the perfect remedy to solve all the questions rummaging in my head.

After my trip to Baguio, I came to a conclusion that I need to learn how to be alone. I need to be comfortable with my own company, and not always need another person to cover up my loneliness.

Now, I am finally spending more time alone. I’m slowly learning to appreciate my own company so that I get more in touch with  my inner self, and “get my ducks in a row.”

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